1. License case: “It wasn’t me, my brother did it, my brother did it” The defendant doesn’t have a brother.
2. Assault and Battery Case: “The guy walked into my fist. I tried to stop him, but he kept running into my fist!”
3. Shoplifting case: “I was going to return it if it didn’t fit, really I was.”
4. Conspiracy case: “it was entirely my wife’s idea, I will testify that way if I need to.”
5. Assault with Dangerous Weapon: “The cops must have planted my fingerprints on the weapon.”
6. Drug case: “I was only given $5,000 to drive this bag from one location to another, how was I supposed to know there was something illegal in the bag?”
7. Minor in possession of alcohol: “Yeah, we had the alcohol, but I wasn’t given my Miranda rights, so that means a dismissal right?” The police saw the person drinking in the car and there were no statements to be suppressed.
8. DUI case: “I drank a lot, but I wasn’t that drunk because I got to the car and I was driving.”
9. Drug case: An overweight person claimed that she didn’t use crack cocaine. While pointing at herself she stated, “look at me, does it look like I use crack!”
10. My favorite: A doctor gets arrested for trying to elicit sex from a prostitute. “I was doing research on STDs."
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